November 4th, 2007

How time does fly! Or rather, slows, given that we've actually gained an hour and that even though it feels like it's 2, it's really one right now. Time is such a fascinating thing. Speaking of time, if you have any free time be sure to check out the new episode now airing on YouTube.

Stargate Atlantis: Hidden

In this season finale, Weir hosts a talent show in an effort to distract the people of Atlantis while Vala hunts down the alien intruder from "Unexpected." TRT: 21 minutes.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

This episode wraps up the storyline started in the premiere, "Unexpected." I'll bet you never thought we had that much continuity, did you? Well think again. We're very continuous people. I mean, even Little Jonida continuously takes craps in my slippers.

Today's pic is a gangsta Ronon posing for peace in the Pegasus hood.

Moe out, yo!

November 1st, 2007

I love Halloween. I can buy tons of candy without anyone looking at me funny. They assume it's for the kids. But no. I don't give candy out to kids - it's much too good for children. Instead I hand out peanuts.

But there was a small mishap last night. While some children were receiving their peanuts, Little Jonida ran out of the house and down the street. "Wait!" I called. "Wait!" It's a shame she never learned English. I was forced to shove the children out of the way and ran down the street after Little Jonida. It was then that some idiot spotted me, thought I was dressed up as Joe Mallozzi for Halloween and asked to take my picture. I, of course, acquiesced. Then I gave them my autograph. I found Little Jonida with a pack of hookers.

Actually they turned out to be high school girls wearing Halloween costumes but I couldn't tell the difference. In fact, I had seen so many girls dressed in so little that I thought there must be some kind of rally going on with the local chapter of "Prostitutes for Peace."

The new episode is coming along well... or rather it was... you see, one of the main cast members decided to get pierced ears without approval. The careful-eyed viewer will notice that, in our upcoming episode, studs are there half the time and gone the other half. I hate these people who think they can do whatever they want to their own bodies without asking me, the one Power That Be, for my blessing. I am not best pleased. It's time for me to go kick my neighbor's jack-o-lantern off their balcony. So long.

Pics: Carving a pumpkin for Little Jonida. That last one was what I chucked at an old man after I set his beard on fire.

October 26th, 2007

I am in love. Yep, you read that right. I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love! I just feel like jumping on the couch and belting to the world like Tom Cruise did on Oprah. And what, pray tell, is the object of my affection? Eggs with peanut butter.

Now, I know at first thought that might sound a little gross but trust me - it's divine. And simple, too. You start off with a hen and squeeze an egg out of its cloaca. Then you crack the egg and scramble it. This is the most important step -- you add a few tablespoons of peanut butter to the egg, mix it all up, then put it in the pan. If you're feeling extra salty you can add a few bacon bits. Or bacon grease. It doesn't matter. Wait till it all cooks up and viola! One scrum-diddly-ocious breakfast! Or in my case, breakfast, lunch and dinner.

For dessert I had a little Mexican flavor: Mexican rice, quesedilla and enchilada all smothered in sour cream. A mi me encanta!

The pre-production meetings for the next episode are going well. Especially the dance scene. Ooops - did I just let that slip? Yes, oh ye rabid fans - run amok with that little tidbit of information and speculate away for there certainly will be a dance scene in the next episode. If all goes well, filming should begin soon.

Does anyone out there miss my drawings? Because I miss drawing but I see no reason to draw unless someone makes a request because then I know that I'm drawing for someone which makes all the difference to me mentally because then I take a lot of time concentrating on all the lines in my stick figures.

And my bit finger is fine, by the way. Thanks for asking. Losers.

The picture is of my fifth second dinner. I mean... "dessert."

Mailbag --

Anonymous # 1 writes: "Hehehehe! Pooh!"

Answer: Please refrain from using profanity on my blog. Thank you.


Joseph Mallozzi writes: "Meh. I've seen eviler."

Answer: Normally I don't respond to comments like this, but I'll take that as a compliment coming from a man who's afraid of his own washing machine. Know how diabolical I am? I just throw all the colors in together and see what happens! (After selecting "delicate," "cold water only" and "gentle cycle," of course.

October 24th, 2007

To Mr. Joseph Mallozzi who doth challenge me to maintain this blog, I hereby declare that I continue not because of your request, but because of the chivalry with which I live my life – the same code of honor that demands I maintain my public reputation as an amazing Sci Fi writer and as a far more devious villain than the likes of you.

I heard of your show’s renewal and guess what? Mine didn’t get renewed because it never has to get renewed because we have no budget and no one to answer to. Except for me. We answer to me. I mean I. I answer to myself. Because I’m the boss. Because I said so. Why? Because I’m Moe Jacuzzi.

To those of you who have been worried about my safety, I’d like to thank you and let you know that I am willing to brave the egg-wielding fans for the sake of maintaining communication with you all. Life just hasn’t been the same without your groveling.

I went to the doctor today. Little Jonida bit my finger the other day, you see, and I worried I would need stitches. “Though she be but little, she is fierce.” And she hath sharp teeth. The doctor took one look at me and started scribbling down notes.

“Don’t you need to examine my wound?” I asked.

“No,” he replied, itching his nose.

I was at a loss. I mean, seriously. What has this world come to? Was this doctor some sort of psychic who didn’t need to actually examine my injury but could feel my pain through the outer reachings of his effervescent mind? I. Think. Not. “What the hell?” I demanded. “Can’t you tell I’m in dying of agony here?”

He studied me from behind his half-moon spectacles. I briefly wondered if he were undressing me with his eyes. This thought, no doubt, came from my recent realizement that Dumbledore is a purple dumpling. Oh youth! You are but a fleeting thing! But I digress.

Well, it turns out the a-hole thought I was fat. He didn’t even look at my wound but sent me off with a Band-Aid and some Neosporin and a pamphlet about fat-burning exercises. I threw it into the first trash receptacle I came across. That’s right. I didn’t recycle. I’m a diabolic rebel.

Though when I got home Little Jonida gave me a very queer look. It brought me back to the moment that I sustained the injury in the first place. I had been trying to eat out of her food dish. Just a small smackerel. I’m sure you all can relate – that chopped beef and peas was just too enticing.

Though I did find a workout routine that works wonders for me. I thought I’d share it with you.

The picture is of my dinner on my new diet.

Mailbag -- No mailbag today. I’m a feeling a little brisk.

August 24th, 2007

I know I said I’d lie low for a while, but I just couldn’t resist popping in to let you all in on a few updates with my life. Though I will never reveal my location, I will blog sporadically. Like right now.

Last night I ate at a charming Italian place called Mama Mia’s. I guess they named it that because the food tastes like some guy’s mom’s cooking or the like. I had cheese tortellini in a marinara sauce.

Also, since so many people like to joke that I look like a girl pretending to be a man, I decided to play along and wore a women’s shirt and some makeup to the restaurant. The first picture is my tortellini. The second is me showing you my breadstick with some man in the background – he was actually a fan who later asked for my autograph. I responded to him kindly as you can see in this video clip from the restaurant:

And now on to the big news… “Wanderers” (which I wrote, by the way) is currently airing on YouTube. I am quite proud of this episode. I think I did a great job with the witty dialogue. And you Shep whumpers should finally be happy. Please, watch, enjoy, and let me know what a great writer I am.

As you can see, I posted some pictures I took of the cast. The first is the actor who plays Kolya. The second is Kolya and a whumped Sheppard and McKay (it's not my fault that he's so short he didn't properly fit in the picture). The third is the actor who plays Kolya asking me not to take a picture of him but as you can see, it’s not my fault – I’d already pressed the button.

Stargate Atlantis: Wanderers

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

And don’t forget to visit Moldy Pumpkin for even more news, pictures and stills. Until next time, this is MJ (no, not Michael Jackson or that dumb girl who doesn’t know how to wear a bra from Spider-Man, but me, Moe Jacuzzi) signing out.

August 11th, 2007

We come to it at last - my final blog entry. I regret that I didn't have the time to write this sooner but I was packing to embark upon my leave of undetermined length. Several of you have expressed a clinging desire for me to remain - as such, I leave open the possibility of popping in every once in a while as occasion permits. However I will never reveal my location lest angry fans hunt me down.

To help ease the suffering of my absence, I offer to you the suggestion of reading the blog entitled "Moldy Pumpkin" which can be found here.

You have all been so graciously kind, showering in your praise and have served your role as minions well. I am so very proud.

I shall now attempt to explain the pictures before I get too choked up here... the first two are of my breakfast. Always drink milk - especially you women! The Final three are a few candid moments in which I was caught unawares, but I found it fit to grace you with my likeness one final time.

And now, oh-so-bittersweetly, to check the mail --

PG15 writes: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Please, don't leave us!!! *cries* How are we to survive without your brilliance giving us light and...bunnies?! Think of the bunnies oh great and powerful Moe! Think of the bunnies!!"

Answer: Bunnies? Bunnies? I'm not sure if I even like bunnies... but since you have been my faithful servant, minion, and even adviser, I bid you now a very fond adieu!

not that anonymous but the other one writes: "If Sheyla becomes canon, will you write a story in which Shep actually looks directly at her? Because that would be like so kewl. Even though it's not necessary due to the Sheyla psychic network and all."

Answer: I'll have to talk to one of the directors and get him to force Sheppard to look at Teyla, even if it entails a neck brace.

Kirfect writes: " Say it ain't so MOE!!! Don't go.

:: Crying here:::

Please stay

:: Groveling and Begging:::

do it for your fans!

Do you have any fans?"

Answer: Me? Me? Do I have fans? An entire collection of them, if you must know, and all imports from the far East!

Yasmin writes: "Please don't leave us Mr. J., what would us poor folks who have no life do at 12:30 AM on a Friday night w/o your blog to read?!"

Answer: No life at 12:30 am Friday, eh? Well, hopefully come September you can watch Atlantis reruns at that time. But if that doesn't tickle your pickle, you could check out the blog I recommended.

P.S. I've always liked your name, though don't tell anyone.

Inflamed Lemming writes: "Where will the S/J shippers who have been waiting tediously for over a decade now go to ask over and over again about consumation of that glorious relationship? Or where will those fans still stuck seething over the save the hunky archeologist (seasons 1-5) go to continue their wailing?

And where on earth can we go to find such glorious pictures of food.

No, Moe, don't go..."

Answer: Lemming, you say? Don't you mean guinea pig? And as for your lack of satisfaction... try making your own fan film - it might help. Ah yes, my glorious pictures of food. I'm getting teary-eyed here...

Joseph Mallozzi writes: "Yeah, I checked out your Shipper Wars parody and have to say I am both disappointed and very, very angry. You have a lot of nerve. I mean, seriously. What the hell kind of tie is that? And you fancy yourself a supervillain. For shame."

Answer: And to think I once held the hope that we could be allies. Just because I don't have the fashion sense of a supervillain doesn't mean I'm not trying, okay?! I have a very stressful job - you've no idea what life with talking puppets is like and trying to write around the fact that one of your star actors is a duck can get downright awkward. And besides - I think the fact that I get eggs thrown at me proves that I am more loathed than you, and therefore am more supervillainy than you. To compound that point - I will now perform a vanishing act the likes of which even Voldemort and Vader couldn't compete - and I will leave you all in suspense wondering where I've gone. Biding my time building an army, perhaps? Or just crying myself to sleep each night? Oh the nefariousness of my pleasure in knowing that you all will never discover the answer...

On that note - I hereby proclaim that I shall leave this blog up for posterity. And if you will all excuse me...


... Arrividerci!

August 10th, 2007

Pics are of my scrumdiddlyocius breakfast, my favorite plant to walk naked in (for some reason I end up itchy afterwards), and Public Enemy # 1 attempting to avoid her likeness being captured.

Little Jonida came to work with me today, as planned. I snuck her in my briefcase with a bottle of onion soup and a can of Ostrich Idus. After double-checking to make sure the coast was clear, I closed the door and turned on my computer and let little Jonida type away. It’s frightening how many great story ideas she has. As those of you who have seen the documentary probably noticed, we pride ourselves in employing talking animals. Which is why I am suddenly struck with just how perverted owning a dog is in the world of talking animals.

Did any of you read the books or watch the cartoon of Arthur? He was an aardvark whose best friend was a rabbit. He hung out with two monkeys and a bear/bulldog thing and... he owned a dog. Is that not sick and twisted? I’m beginning to question my own morality here.

I was also ambushed while exiting the office yet again today. Little Jonida was traumatized by my screams as I was pelted by not only eggs, but also tomatoes. I’m beginning to think that the children I met at the park yesterday were also savage heathen guinea pigs sent to ambush me, which would be why they threw the rock.

In this state of deep self-reflection I have decided that this shall be my penultimate blog entry. That’s right, my minions - Moe Jacuzzi is going to be disappearing from the web. I can’t say for sure when I’ll be back, especially since I’ll be spending most of the rest of my time counseling little Jonida after her recent trauma, but there is always the possibility of my return. For now, however, it is time for you to leave me your parting words, comments and questions. I’ll post for my final time tomorrow.

On that dismal note, I’ll check the mail –

PG15 writes: “Moe, would you like me to rub your feet for hours at a time? I request nothing in return, as I will be by your side. Or even better, I would be beneath you, which is exactly how fans should feel...globviously.”

Answer: Oh my faithful minion, how I shall miss your incessant groveling. But for the time being I must ask you be patient my humble servant, and await in the shadows as the Death Eaters awaited the return of the Dark Lord.

Kirfect writes: “Is there anyway that you can have Carter say. "Dude we should whack this guy" sometime soon?

Also is there any pie left”

Answer: Whack who? That is not a subtley-veiled fandom reference to hiring a hit man to kill me, is it? And gods no – that piece of pie that I photographed was one I specifically cut out and set aside for the picture while I devoured the rest with my hands.

Jen Kirk writes: “You may not find it funny Moe, but I gotta say the fact that you have bitching directed towards YOU is truely hilarious”

Answer: Finally – a fan who truly understands my invaluable worth. I created this blog for praise, not complaints. Nor a source of negativity. I don’t see why so many of you got upset over my guinea pig comment. Guinea pigs are cute – fat, scurrying, and squeaky.

SallyWallyWee writes: “Oh Moe I wuv u so mush I no everyone is naked under thier cloths but Sam & Jack R saving themselfs for special cuddles after thier marriage which we can play out in my Princess Barbie tent in yur garden.

Mom & Apple Pye says shes kept a glory box for me since i woz born so its perfect for uz to set up houze in the Princess Barbie tent 2gether.

Mom & Apple Pye wantz uz 2 set up the Princess Barbie tent in her garden coz u need to beehav yurself

We can have a doble wedding wit my Elisbef & Shep dollz.”

Answer: Whoa whoa whoa... when I responded to your previous comments I didn’t mean to give the impression that I was in any way interested in you, little girl. And who the hell are Mom and Apple Pye?

Anonymous # 1 writes: “Now, your doggies are so adorable!”

Answer: Why thank you. I certainly think so. Did you enjoy today’s little Jonida story?

Northern Red writes: “Will John confess his undying love for Elizabeth before she gets axed from the show?”

Answer: She was exploded, not axed. There were no axes involved, aside from that shard of metal stuck in Ronon which no one made the offer to pull out because we didn’t want his teammates caring about his life to seem shippy in any way. Though I don’t discuss ships.

DownWithSheyla writes: “Moe, Who do you thinks is prettier Elizabeth are that slut Teyla?”

Answer: ....Ah yes. I see you’re one of the Weir/Jacuzzi, Teyla/Jacuzzi shippers. It’s flattering, really, though I don’t discuss ships.

TeylaIsYucky writes: “Moe, If you guys make Sheyla cannon I will no longer watch your show, oh wait a minute, I thinks I've already made that threat a million time already. Let me see I need something new to threaten you with. You know I'm really going to have to give this alot of thought, so I'm going go back to GW, talk to the rest of my Sparky friends and come up with some new threats.”

Answer: ...You’re not an egg-wielder, are you?