“And you, good sir? What would you like?”
I blinked up at the portly man hovering before me with a notepad in his hand, ready to take my order. “Uh…” I stammered. I had only just sat down. “I think I’ll need a minute, thanks.”
The man smiled and nodded, yet remained by my table, as if he were inexplicably drawn to me. I couldn’t help but notice that he was staring so I chanced a glance over.
“Yes?” I asked, as politely as one can while one is being blinked at with French-like interest.
“I am so sorry, sir…” the waiter began, smiling, showing his stained teeth once more. “I do not mean to intrude but… might I join you for dinner?”
I had poised my camera above a few packs of sugar that I had just artistically arranged yet faltered before I got the chance to snap the perfect shot. I looked back over to him. “Excuse me?”
He was nervously wiping his palms on his little white apron. He glanced around then leaned in, conspiratorially whispering, “I know who you are.”
Now, I’m a popular guy. That much I’ve learned from my blog. In fact, I even heard a rumor that there’s a blog somewhere out there mimicking mine as a playful parody to help out with a fan film being made. Imitation is the sincerest form of flatter, or so they say… But rest assured, I was not prepared for this man’s confession. I gazed at him, noting the sweat trickling down his temples and the way the hairs of his 5 o’clock shadow stemmed from darkened skin pores. At last I found my voice. “You do?”
It turns out that he’s a huge Stargate fan and has been reading my blog for months. He’d been hoping ever since he discovered my double life on the net that I would visit his restaurants and lo and behold – in I walked through his door! He turned out to be quite the dinner guest (seeing as, of course, my most gracious self allowed him to accompany me as I partook in sustenance, reveling in how he basked in my radiance… and the flash from my camera). But alas – he specifically requested that his likeness not be distributed on the web, so no pics of him.
He did, however, have some surprisingly insightful input on the show, aside from his numerous requests to see certain characters running in circles, slapping their buttcheeks as some sort of ceremonial celebration of—
I just got a phone call. Apparently the documentary I was interviewed for the other day is finished and out on the web. This is my official public statement that I had no idea that the documentary was being made by the girls of BoneRiceFilms on YouTube. I make as large an effort as possible to ignore them and now I’ve unknowingly contributed to one of their creative projects. I am most disturbed. In order so that you, my faithful minions, may share in my pain, here is the link to the film, cut into 3 pieces because of length, I presume.
Shipper Wars: The Documentary
I need a distraction… time to check the mail –
Anonymous # 1 writes: “Lemme show you all wuts up...
And we’re bored! (unh...)
Why bring him back?
Cause he was black! (chyeah...)
Why, if I see that fool Ladin,
Then where’s my man Aiden?
To show devotion, I even made a gourd
Dat looked just like Ford!
Any chocolate we send, you’re free to hoard,
But bring back our brother Ford!
So stop hadin on my man Aiden,
Or I’ll start raidin - cause I’m tired of waiden.. (mmm...)
I’ll ward off any of them, with a foot to the face
Like Ford would’ve, to put them in der place! (chyeah!!)
Now why is it I that’s hadin?
CAUSE I’M NOT SEEING AIDEN!
Answer: Normally I wouldn’t copy and paste an entire post, however I found this one to be a lovely distraction from the content in the video. At least no one asks me to ship Ford with another character. Have I ever mentioned my dreams of a musical rap career? Believe it or not, I make quite the thug. I have good Mafia genes.
Anonymous # 2 writes: “Hey did the Flan Man really say this about SG-1's cancellation?
"Yeah, it was a good run. Kinda show you could just sit around and drink a beer to. Like my own famous brand, O'Flanigan's. A rich mixture of hearty sundrenched barley lovingly fermented and mixed with just the right ingredients - you'll enjoy it to the last drop." - Joe Flanigan.”
Answer: Believe it or not, I wouldn’t know. As much as the actors adore me, they don’t share every waking hour with me.
Yoursuckup writes: “They MUST be the crazy ones, right? You agree with me, right?”
Answer: Normally I don’t respond to questions like this, but after seeing that BoneRiceFilms documentary, I offer you a resounding YES!!!
Glithoneill (with 2 llls) writes: “Daniel is the most popular character and that's the only character we want to hear you discuss. After all, Stargate SG-1 is Daniel's story.”
Answer: You’re absolutely correct. In fact, for a while in season 9 we thought of re-naming the show “Jackson Gate.”
Anonymous # 3 writes: “Interesting dog. It looks like the one RDA has. Did you dognap her to make him work in the movies?”
Answer: …No plans for O’Neill to be in the movies just yet. And though I usually refrain from acronyms… STFU about the dog – I wouldn’t ever dognap anything so ugly, even if it were to coerce MacGyver. I only touch pugs. All other dogs are the spawn of rejected octopus matter.
NC17 writes: “I'm going to sulk now. I feel very much unloved, and I think you'll have to work to make it up to me. Maybe another whiteboard full of fake storyline for me to squee over.”
Answer: Check out the pics. Happy?
Anonymous # 4 writes: “And her title is Dr. You know you got rid of Dr Janet, Dr Beckett and Dr Weir. Can I nominate her for dismissal via Wraithification next?”
Answer: Ah, I see you’ve noticed my dislike of Doctors. It stems from the fact that as a child, I wanted to be Dr. Evil, yet when I grew up I was told that there was no Doctorate of Evil offered. My therapist says I’ve never gotten over it.
Masochistic Ourstargate writes: “*ahem* I have a small request though, can you say this while wearing fishnet stockings and a corset....? Just thought I'd put that out there, no pressure.”
Answer: Why does everyone insist that I am a transvestite???!!!
Sallywallywee writes: “Moe, My Sam & Jack dols R nakid under their clothez so after their weding they can make beootiful wuv 2gether.”
Answer: Everyone’s naked under their clothes, sweetheart.
Scared and Confused SG-1 Fan writes: “You know Moe, I just can't get a handle on SGA fandom.”
Answer: I think it’s pretty clear that I have no idea what I or any of the fans are talking about half the time, also.
PG13 writes: “What is the synopsis for 'The Wanderers'? Is it 40 minutes of the team wandering through a pine forest? If it is, that is pure genius! Something we have never seen before!”
Answer: It’s funny you should ask that about “Wanderers,” which, in case you didn’t know, I wrote. When I first conceived of the idea it was approximately 30 minutes of the team wandering in coastal redwood forests, however, due to location issues, I changed it to roughly 30minutes of the team wandering in a more desert-like environment, complete with sand dunes!
Sallyweeps writes: “Sorry to hijack the blog yet again Moe, but some people just have to be corrected. Now tell us more about your dogs. Because that is what we truly live for.”
Answer: Glad you asked. Rodolphus is doing well, though he had an anal gland infection yesterday morning. I cleaned that out then I had to break up a fight between little Jonida and Chestweasel. Jonida is just so darn cute, though, that I don’t mind it when she pees on me, the rug, my clothing, or anything for that matter. In fact, I’m planning on sneaking her into the office with me on Friday and letting her have a crack at writing an episode. People don’t generally know this, but Chestweasel actually wrote a few of the season 3 episodes.
Whumpsheylala writes: “Moe, is John ever going to slap Teyla?”
Answer: Hasn’t Ronon already slapped Teyla? Teyla and Sheppard will have heated discussion and Teyla will become very insane and overly-emotional during her pregnancy and might attempt to run people over with her belly.
Anonymous # 5 writes: “And any chance you will honor Masochistic OurStargate members request; and hope you post the picture.
Again great blog keep those spoilers and pics coming.”
Answer: Thanks. I certainly try. Though I make it a general rule to not give the fans what they want, so sorry, I shall not be fulfilling Masochistic OurStargate’s request.
Peterconfetti writes: “Moe, my question to you is: How do I properly smite my fandom enemies so they fall at the feet of the glorious behemoth that is Sam/Jack? With one vague comment you are able to cause a fandom meltdown and various factions to try and rip each other’s throats out! Yet my months of incessant trolling have barely had any effect whatsoever!”
Answer: You sound like someone in the documentary I was interviewed for. I’m not sure if I can continue answering your questions now…
Anonymous # 6 writes: “If you like mint chocolate, may I also suggest 3 Musketeers Mint with Dark Chocolate? I love that chocolate.”
Answer: Ah yes, you MIGHT suggest that if you had a BRAIN! What are you trying to do – make me FAT?!
88MPH writes: “You're really busy! You read lots of books, go to fancy restaurants, play with your pugs, blog almost every day, and even have time to string along Stargate fans. On top of that you're the executive producer of Atlantis! Amazing!”
Answer: Indeed, indeed. I have heard, by some, that I am God-like…
Blabby writes: “Moe, I noticed that you haven't been talking enough about Teyla in season 4. Can you start talking about her? I don't want to sound demanding or anything, but that's all I care about. By extension, that's all you should care about too.”
Answer: Sure. Just send me a Teyla-related question and I will talk away.